Notes From The Field

3 things you can do NOW to de-escalate conflict

If you've worked with me, you've probably been frustrated or disappointed when you've asked me for a top 10 list or the easiest, quickest things you can implement to transform conflict, and I've said something like, "Conflict is complex and unpredictable and if you don't fully understand what is causing or contributing to it, you can escalate a situation by trying to enact simplistic approaches that can make things worse. I wish there was a top 10 list that would fix everything, but there isn't." Yep, I've said a version of that more times than I can count. However....I keep getting asked the question, and I hear the desperation, anxiety and fear in it. So here are 3 things you can do NOW to de-escalate conflict.

1 ACTION you can take with other people

This is where most people start in identifying conflict is present, and working to address it. That is because we often see behaviours, attitudes and actions in other people that make us angry, frustrated, fearful or anxious, and we want those things to stop. So we ask ourselves how we deal with these other people that are making things challenging? In last month's blog I talked about making the distinction between "difficult people" and people having a difficult day, situation or experience. It's important to remember that whatever is happening with other people is happening for a reason, and their behaviours and actions are motivated by something urgent and important to them. Here is 1 action you can take that will help you get a better understanding of what is happening so you can work together with others to de-escalate the situation.

Ask Good Questions and Invite Inclusive Thinking

Questions are expansive; they open us up to ideas, ways of thinking and seeing the world, and connect us to each other. They lift us into curiosity from judgement and they help us process our emotions. Great questions can change our relationships and perception of others and our hopes for the future. They can propel us to action and help us grow and learn. Of course, bad questions can just as easily shut us down, make us feel marginalized, disrespected or left behind.

What does it mean to invite inclusive thinking?

Inclusive thinking is about perspective taking and seeing the situation from different eyes, and is grounded in the belief that people can discover, discuss and develop ideas together. It requires analytical thinking, results in mutual learning and promotes self-reflection and empathy. Inclusive thinking is a focus on we and us, versus me.

Asking great questions are the key to promoting inclusive thinking.

What makes a good question in a conflict situation?

It validates what the person is experiencing now AND asks them to go deeper
It is focused on that person's needs, emotions and perceptions rather than your (or the project's) needs or priorities
It requires you to be listening deeply and with empathy to what the person has shared verbally, in tone, through body language and expression
It generates hope and possibility and asks more of people, encouraging them to consider their own needs and experience as well as that of others, and to go beyond simplistic solutions to complex challenges

Here are some examples of good questions that meet the moment, the person and the situation and move things from stuck to possible:

What do I need to know or understand about your experience? What do you need from me right now?
How can we understand and address your concerns and also the concerns of your neighbours (that might be different)?
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I wonder what someone who isn't in this conversation might tell us about their hopes and concerns for this project?
How do you suggest we solve this problem or challenge so that it addresses all of the issues that have been raised?
What do you see as the costs or consequences of moving forward? What trade-offs might need to be made?
What is most important to you in this situation? What do you think is most important to others?
I can hear your frustration (or anger, fear, worry etc.) and I want to acknowledge how challenging this has been for you. What do you think we need to do better to meet your needs and the needs of others who are impacted?
This is such a complex topic and there are so many things that go into it, including the issues you have raised. Can you tell me what you know about the topic and your best ideas for moving forward? I'd be happy to share what I understand too.

1 CHOICE you can make to intervene

Put People First and your Project, Details and Information Second

Putting people first and your project second is easy to say and hard to do. It is based on the premise that people will not talk about what you want to talk about until you talk about what they want to talk about. It is also a core tool of the practice in de-escalating conflict and welcoming in and working with emotion through building trust, relationships and validating and respecting people's experiences and values. In essence, when we centre people rather than our project, we build good will and social license to move forward. When we centre our project over people, emotions escalate, distrust grows and resistance solidifies.

Putting people first doesn't mean your project, information or the technical details aren't important; they still matter. It means that the order in which we address them changes to people first, project second. This approach de-escalates the conflict and if you have conflict, you need to deal with the conflict before you can proceed with your project. Your timelines, milestones and deadlines won't mean much if people are protesting, blockading or lobbying elected officials to stop your project. While it may seem counter-intuitive or uncomfortable, using this approach from the start of your project, and being flexible and willing to adapt as you go along will increase the possibility your project will proceed.

People first is about what you communicate (including tone, words and more)

Think about (or ask!) what people most want to know about versus what you want to tell them and begin your interactions with them there. Ideally, what they want to know and what you want to tell them are aligned, but if they aren't, focus on their needs, concerns and questions and be responsive to those in open, authentic ways that acknowledge emotion and impact.
Identify the highest priority information that you want to share. If you try to share all the details and information, people may feel overwhelmed, intimidated and like they don't matter, increasing emotion and escalating conflict. Pick a couple of priority pieces of information and bring in other information only when it is requested or asked for.
Your communications should be guided by tone, language and presence that centres people so they see themselves reflected in your messages, and should be delivered in authentic, caring ways in real language by people not reading scripts or highlighting project details over people's experiences of the project.

People first is about how you show up

Take the time to prepare for the interactions and conversations you expect to have. Are you expecting people to be angry, concerned and frustrated? What ways of being will serve you if that is the case? Courage, kindness, curiosity and listening well will probably meet the moment. Are you expecting people to be fearful, anxious or desperate? Maybe you could meet them with compassion, calm, gentleness and welcome them to share. Are you expecting a bunch of people who are interested and curious and want information? Meeting them with enthusiasm, gratitude and high energy will support them to engage.
How we show up is about our own authenticity, meeting another person in the same way, and creates a sense of shared humanity.

People first is about how you design the space of the conversation

Begin by asking yourself what do you want people to feel and experience when they interact with you? When they walk away, how will they feel about you and the project? Like that Maya Angelou quote "People will not remember what you said or did but they will remember how you made them feel", your conversations with them should be focused on asking good questions about their experiences, perceptions, hopes and concerns, getting to know them and their relationship to this area and project. Build a relationship on a foundation of trust and goodwill and people can take bad or challenging news.
Create a space that is inviting, warm, and caring and that honours the time and effort people have made to participate. Feed them, express gratitude, be welcoming, flexible and adaptable.
Structure your conversations in waves, like the ocean, where you ask, they share, you ask again, they share, maybe you share some information. Repeat again.
Start a session by asking how people have been impacted, what they know or understand and what they want to know, what their hopes and concerns are. Don't start a session with your powerpoint slides about the project.

1 WAY OF SHOWING UP that can change the outcome

Be calm and self-aware and slow down your own emotions

Conflict and emotion go together like milk and cookies. They are a pair and their relationship is intertwined and connected. As conflict escalates, emotion intensifies. We spend a lot of time thinking about other people's emotions, but we have them too, and sometimes they can be pretty big when people are accusing us of being untrustworthy, calling our credibility into question or generally being in a high arousal state themselves. That is because emotion can be defined as energy in motion, and that energy moves within us, between us and throughout the space of the conversation. Emotion is contagious, and it can spread from others to us too. However, if we can stay calm in the face of other people's intense emotion, we are more likely to be able to use our skills, knowledge and ways of being in service to de-escalating the conflict, rather than reacting to our own feelings and escalating the interaction.

This is a core leadership skill, and it requires self-awareness, practice and growing your emotional intelligence.

I really appreciate the work of Dan Harris (check out his 10% happier podcast if you aren't familiar with his work) and this Instagram video about how to work with our own emotions is a nugget of wisdom. Dan talks about putting your hand on your heart and speaking to yourself kindly, the way you would talk to a friend or family member. It made me smile, because I instinctively put my hand on my heart when people are sharing something heartfelt, challenging or emotional, and I realize it brings me comfort, and probably also conveys empathy and care to them.

Take a few deep, calming breaths to soothe your nervous system and ask yourself some curious, kind questions to stay grounded in the face of other people's emotion.

My favourite question to ask myself, especially in the moment is simply "What is going on for me right now?" When I can feel the heat rising, my stomach churning and the sweaty hands starting I ask this question. It reminds me that my emotions are intensifying, and I'm committed to being calm and peaceful in this moment, and often re-sets me again. Note that it requires you to be aware of your own physiological responses to emotion, because your body will most often respond before your mind identifies what is happening.

You can always take some deep breaths and ask for a moment by saying something like, "I'm feeling impacted by how passionate you are or how important this is to you and I wonder if we could slow things down so I can really understand them. Let's talk about one thing at a time, and take breaks if we need it."

Sometimes, you need a practice of processing your emotions outside of the moment. Journalling, time in nature with reflection, exercise, conversations with someone who is a good listener can all be helpful to create a practice of self-awareness and slowing down your emotions. I often journal and ask myself questions like:

What is going on for me around this issue? What other situations or events might be rippling over and affecting my perspective?
What emotions are rising up for me? Why those emotions? What path to meaning might those emotions give me?
What is motivating my own emotions here? Are they coming from a place of loss, fear, insecurity or something else?
What do I need to let go of?

I hope these 3 things to de-escalate conflict are helpful. I could probably write twenty more blogs about 3 things you could do right now to transform conflict, so this list isn't finite. You always have options, choices and actions you can implement. The magic is in doing something, being present to the moment, in service to the people in the conversation. You may not get it exactly right, but by stepping in with courage and compassion, to yourself and others, you will shift the energy to something different. That new place may be the location where transformation is possible. My definition of conflict is a signal that something needs to change. Watch for the signal, and then step forward towards change.